my life and all that comes with it

ugh!

2010-04-03T23:14:00.000-07:00

I can't handle it. There is too much going on right now. I can't deal with my physical and emotional pain at the same time. No matter what, I want to cry. My stupid car is totalled. But I won't see the money because of some complicated issues. Along with that I am in a lot of pain. I feel like the people who hit me are ruining my life. I have absolutely no control over all these things that are happening.

On top of all of that, I'll be in Mexico for a week. I'm super excited, but I won't be able to deal with any of the insurance and car stuff while I'm gone. I'm also not looking forward to the really long car drive.

I know that God is in the midst of all of this. I know that He loves me and has the best for me. But it sucks in the meantime. I need to trust Him.

Prodigal Daughter

2010-03-21T21:28:00.000-07:00

I feel like the prodigal daughter. After high school I went off and made a life for myself. I went to college and detached myself from home life. I was still tied to home a little bit, especially my freshman year, but then as the years passed I gradually withdrew myself from anything connected to "home".

After college I tried returning home, but it just didn't work. I didn't feel like my church was a good fit anymore. I didn't have my own room to live in at home. So, I looked for other opportunities. I moved in with a friend from college and her parents. I began a new life in Fremont. Again I detached myself from anything relating to home. I rarely saw or spoke to my family. I didn't really talk to my church family much anymore either.

But, recently I have begun to return home. I've gone to my old church a lot in preparation for a trip to Mexico with them. I've visited my family more and involved them more in my life. I've even tried to renew the relationships I had with my old church family. It feels good and right. I've missed it so much.

So, now I feel like the prodigal, returning home, hoping to get just a fraction of what my family has. Instead I am being welcomed with open arms. My family wants me back. They've missed me. They are willing to do anything for me. They love me, even though I have rejected them and tried to go and live on my own. But, I need them. And I bet they need me too.

I'm not really sure what this means for my future. It might entail moving "home". It might just mean visiting more often. I don't know. All I know is that it feels good to be welcomed home. I'm sorry for running like I did. I just hope things can be restored fully.

Life...

2010-03-13T21:17:00.000-08:00

I'm excited about what is happening in my life currently. I feel like God is clearly directing my path. I know where I'm going. I have a goal set before me and I'm excited to reach for it. I'm excited to follow God and to trust His leading.

relationship investment

2009-08-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

God has been teaching me a lot lately. Right now I think I'm learning how to balance life. I feel like I have so many different relationships that I want to invest in, but there's too many for me to invest fully in all of them.

I got to hang out with some of my friends from where I grew up recently and it made me greatly miss that time in my life. And today my childhood best friend found me on facebook, so of course I was flooded with all sorts of memories and emotions. Recently I also got to hang out with college friends, which made me miss that time in my life also.

I'm not good at letting go of people and relationships. Once I'm someone's friend, we're always friends. But I don't know how that is practical. I want to be able to have the same types of relationships and same level of closeness that I had with people, but I know that is not possible. I've learned that God puts people in our lives for a time and reason. Sometimes those people are forever, but sometimes they are only there for a season. For a very relational person like myself that is not always an easy thing to accept.

Right now I guess I'm in the place of trying to figure out how to invest in the relationships that matter the most to me and to not neglect the ones that I still desire to have. I want to continue my friendships of old, but time and distance have been making that harder and harder, plus this whole growing up and life changing business too.

Trust...issues

2009-08-04T23:05:00.000-07:00

Camp was wonderful. It was great to be able to go with a bunch of jr. high girls and to see God work and move. It was nice to get away from everyday life and to be able to spend time focusing on God.

Usually when I spend a significant amount of time with God I end up learning some sort of lesson. This time of course was no different. The speaker, who I mostly did not like at all, asked a very pointed question one night. He asked what was our "net" that was holding us back from serving God. That question made me think. At the end of his message that night, he had an altar call for those who needed to "deal with God". I went up. It was during that time of surrendering and seeking God that I began to hear the answer to the speaker's question: TRUST. I do not fully trust God.

The Bible says to "trust God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." But I don't. I don't even come close. Ever since losing my dad and nearly losing my mom, I have this little nagging doubt in the back of my mind. When things are great and wonderful I often get scared because that is usually when something goes wrong. I'm constantly afraid of losing my mom or another loved one. I don't trust God with their lives. Ultimately I don't trust that God really has my best interest at heart. And that's hard to admit. I feel horrible just writing those words, but it's true. My actions, my fear, everything validates that point.

So, now how do I change that? How do I begin to trust God with all of my heart, especially when my heart doesn't feel quite whole? I never did blame God for my dad's death. And as almost 9 years have past, the pain has lessened. I suspect I won't be able to trust God with all of my heart overnight. Most likely it's going to be a process, and it's going to have to start with the small things. I want to do it. I know I should. But how do I put it into action?

alright, I'm writing a blog

2009-07-10T22:34:00.000-07:00

So, I finally had a talk with Rich about the whole youth group involvement thing. He explained to me more what he meant by a lifer. He sees me being kind of always involved in youth ministry, whether that be at my current church or wherever I go in the future. He also said something about diving in where you are.

God has definitely been speaking to me about diving in where I'm at. Too often I let the unknown hold me back. I want to know how long I'm going to be somewhere. I don't want to take the time to build and invest in relationships if it's only going to be for a short while. But, that mentality is flawed. I miss out on so much that way. I much rather enjoy everything, if even for a short while. I want to follow and serve God. I need to live the life He has laid before me, right now. I have to live in the present and stop worrying about the future.

I'm going to start being more involved in youth group. Not only am I going to work on building relationships with the students, but also with the other leaders so that I can encourage and guide them. I'm excited to have a purpose and to be able to fulfill it. I love being in relationship with others. Being a part of peoples' lives and helping them to grow is one of my greatest passions.

I'm curious to see where all of this is going to lead. I'm excited to be a part of something big, to be a part of God's work in others' lives. It's going to be amazing!

lots to think about

2009-06-15T19:50:00.000-07:00

Today I was realizing how much I miss school. Danielle was talking about doing homework. I actually miss homework. I miss learning. I miss having a goal and purpose constantly before me. I miss having something to work towards. Life while going to school is much easier, I think. I liked knowing that I was going to be there for a certain amount of time. It had an end. I worked towards that end, constantly striving to do my very best, and sometimes slacking off.

Now, it feels like there is this limitless time before me. I don't know how long I'll live in Fremont. I don't know how long I'll teach preschool. I have nothing specific that I'm really working towards. It's almost scary to realize that anything could happen in life. God could take me anywhere, there's nothing tying me to a specific place, like school did.

I'm not quite sure what to do with this freedom. One thing I do know, and God is constantly reminding me of this, is that I need to pursue God where I'm at. I need to live my life first and foremost for Him, right here, right now. It's ok that I don't know where I'm headed or what exactly God has in store for me.

I had a good talk with Rich, my youth pastor, about this. He's the one that reminded me to pursue God. It is in Christ that my purpose is revealed. It is in pursuing Him and the work of His Kingdom. So, while I may not have academics to bring purpose and a time frame to my life anymore, I have Christ.

Rich also gave me more to think about. He wants me to take a greater leadership role in the Jr. High group. He wants me to be able to really pour into the lives of those kids. He sees me as a lifer, someone who is going to be involved in this ministry for a long time. That both scares and excites me. What Rich described, the role he kind of sees me in, is something that I long for. I find the greatest sense of satisfaction and ultimately purpose when I am in a position to connect with others and be a significant part of their lives. I love seeing others grow, to see God work in their lives. It's probably the most amazing thing in the world to see how God transforms people. So, what's my problem you ask? Well, here comes the part where I need to think about it. What Rich is offering me is exactly what I want. But, I have plans, things I've thought about for my future that would not exactly tie in with this "lifer" thing Rich is talking about. I guess what it comes down to is that I never saw myself living in Fremont for more than 5 years.

Now, I have to think and pray about what it is that God wants from me. Is what Rich sees, what God has for me? Are my plans what God has for me? Can the two both be a part of God's plan?

T minus 30 hours and counting

2008-07-08T23:30:00.000-07:00

In 30 or so hours I will be on a plane to Miami, and then to Sao Paulo, and then finally to Asuncion. I can't believe it! I'm so excited. It's going to be a great trip. I will get to do what I was created to do--serve God and others. It makes me so happy!

I am going with a great bunch of people and I know that I will have a lot of friends and family praying for me while I am gone. I have nothing to fear or worry about. Things will be challenging and probably hard at times, but all of that is worth it for the opportunity to advance God's Kingdom.

I'm just glad right now that everything is pretty much packed, I have no work tomorrow, and only a couple of errands to run. I don't think that I have ever been this prepared beforehand for a trip. It's a nice feeling to know that I have the majority of tomorrow to relax and spend at leisure before 16 hours of flying (not to mention long layovers).

I just got a Sudoku and a Kakuru book today to keep me busy on the flights. I tried Sudoku yesterday and now I am hooked. It's so rewarding to complete a puzzle line by line and box by box.

my team has a blog, check it out http://cbncparaguaystm2008.blogspot.com/

finding my way back again

2008-05-02T17:49:00.001-07:00

I hear God speaking again. I am learning from Him again. I am finding purpose in the day to day things I do.

Take today for example. I had to return a movie to blockbuster before they charged me for it. I was already running late to work, but I still chose to return it. Well, the whole way to blockbuster almost every light was red. Not only was it red, but it had just turned red as I pulled up, meaning that I had to wait through the whole cycle before I could go. It was FRUSTRATING! But, I finally got the movie dropped off and I was on my way to work.

Halfway to work, as I was stopped at a red light I was struck with something. How often do we head down a path that we think is right only to get stopped along the way? We are in such a hurry, but we get stopped again and again. And it can be so frustrating! But, if we actually take the time to think about it, maybe we can see some purpose in it. Sometimes it happens because we need to slow down and take time to be with God. Sometimes it happens because we really aren't going down the right path.

I needed that time to stop and prepare myself for the day. Yes, it took me longer to get to work, and yes I was late (by 15 minutes), but it was worth it. My day went much better than it could have.
_______________________________________________________
I feel like I am finally making my way out of the uncertainty that has been hanging over me. I am now a junior high youth leader. I am super excited to be able to serve God by serving those kids. I get to be in charge of the inreach, which is something that I am very passionate about.
God is speaking to me through these uncertain times. He is drawing me closer to Him as I cry out for help. And He is reminding me that He is in the details. He cares about the little things as well as the big things.

Redding and Uncertainty

2008-04-28T23:01:00.001-07:00

I had a lot of fun visiting people in Redding. I was there for about 27 hours. Jessica Ray and I stayed in a hotel together and got to hang out and talk. Oh how I have missed just sitting and talking with a friend!

On Friday night we went to Baccalaureate and got to see lots of people. We had a mini (Katrina) team reunion. I hadn't seen most of those people since October. Afterwards we went to In N Out where we got to see even more people.

I managed to hug and say hi to just about everyone that I wanted to. But, it was a little weird. There wasn't really much time to talk to people, especially after graduation. I got to catch up a little bit, but it all almost seems fake. When am I ever going to see most of these "friends" again? Are we really still friends after all this time? What defines a friend? Do you have to see people or talk to them regularly? I don't know. I want to say that everyone is still my friend. But what does that mean? What does that look like? Do I spend my time and resources investing into all of these friendships? Or do I start to let them go?

It's so hard for me. I am such a people person. I want to be friends with everybody (well, not everybody, but just about). And I hate that time and space makes being friends so much more difficult. I had to force myself to not make any plans for the weekend, but to just let things happen. If I saw people great, but if I didn't that was fine too. I had no expectations, and thus no real disappointments. It actually worked out pretty well for the most part.

I feel like I am in such a place of uncertainty. I don't know who my friends are anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what my life is supposed to look like. I don't know if I really am supposed to be a junior high leader. I don't know when all the change I want to happen will happen.

How can one live in such uncertainty? It is very disconcerting.

Who am I?

2008-04-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

I don’t feel like me anymore. I feel like I have lost myself somewhere along the way. I used to be more fun. I used to feel more alive. But now, now it feels like I am just existing. I no longer spin around in circles at whim or talk to friends until all hours of the night. Everything in my life is planned, it revolves around a schedule. What happened to spontaneity? What happened to just hanging out for the sake of hanging out?

I was reading one of my blogs from December of 2005. I sounded vibrant, alive, happy. I feel like I’m not as excited about life anymore. I feel like there is something holding me back, something that is preventing me from living as I should be. There is something blocking me from the life I was created to live. But what? Is it complacency? Is it living in the adult world full of rules and regulations? Is it fear? Fear that the newer people in my life won’t accept me for who I really am. Maybe that’s it.

I want to live life to the fullest. I want to have those adventures that I wrote about back in 2005. I want to dream dreams and pursue the life I was meant to have. I’m tired of living in this dark hole where I feel like I have to squelch the real me. It’s like a part of me dies each day that I live like this. And I don’t know if I can even be me anymore, as silly as that may sound. When you’ve lived for nearly two years suppressing who you really are, it’s hard to start living again. But I want to. I want to try to find me again.

I used to be so happy, so full of joy, so inspired. God filled my life and showed me little lessons each day. Every day was a new day to look forward to, wondering what I would learn next. Now, now if I’m lucky I learn something once a week. I miss everyday being an adventure, a day to live for. Maybe I feel like that time in my life is over now. I am 24 after all and that seems a little old to be living an adventuresome life. But that’s stupid. Of course I can be adventurous. But, I think the fact remains that I am getting older.

I know what some of my problem is, why I have been me less and less. Two years ago someone said something to me that I can’t seem to forget. That one word has been in the back of mind. I wish I could forget it, but I can’t. I believed it and now it has acted as truth. Overwhelming. Someone said I was overwhelming and now I have let that word define who I am. And I have fought against being that and have thus lost some of me in the process.

Oh Jesus, help me pick up the pieces and be who You created me to be, no one and nothing else.

working, the wonders of God at Christmas, home and life

2005-12-21T20:17:00.000-08:00

I had to go to work at 7 this morning, which meant waking up by 6:30. I set my alarm for around 6, but since I was so stinking tired I ended up hitting snooze (though I don't remember) and I fell back asleep. Thankfully my mom came home from work and woke me up at around 6:34. I hurriedly threw on my clothes and headed out the door. I was afraid I was going to be late to work. I absolutely hate being late! I was late, but only by a minute, so that wasn't too bad. Unfortunately I had a headache the whole time I was there and kids and headaches do not mix very well. I asked the kids to be quiet so many times because they kept screaming right by me. I didn't lose my temper thankfully and by the end of the day they still loved me and I loved them. And it was a very good thing that I only had to work until noon.

On the way to work this morning yet another thought occurred to me. I drive the same way to work every day. It is not the only way I could go, and it may not even be the fastest way to go, so why do I go that way? Is it out of habit? Because it is comfortable? Because I know how to judge my time going that way? Because I like those streets better? I don't really know. Have I just gotten myself stuck in a routine? What would happen if I went a different way?

Usually I am a person who likes change. Things get boring if they stay the same for too long, though I do like some consistency at the same time. So I wonder if it would be bad to change up my routine a little bit. I'm sure it would be an interesting experience. Maybe I should apply this to other areas of my life. I think it is so easy to get stuck in a routine with God. But is that how the Christian life is supposed to be lived: as a routine? There are definite dangers that come with life as merely routine. Passion can be lost, as well as meaning and purpose. One can go from living to just merely existing. And that is sad. Life is meant to be lived as an adventure! Routines can be good, but not if they keep one from living.

Christmas is turning out to be much better this year than I had expected. Things really just have not been the same since my Dad and Grandpa have died. My family has pretty much stopped giving gifts because we can't afford them. We don't have a huge Christmas dinner with ham, turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy and all that other good stuff. I've tried to remember that Christmas is not about any of those things. It is about Jesus, and celebrating His birth. And my family has started new traditions. My mom now makes lasagna for Christmas dinner, and I do love her lasagna! And my mom, brother and I go out to see a movie. Two years ago we saw Two Weeks Notice, and last year it was Fat Albert. It was nice to spend that time with my family. And I think we are going to do the same again this year. I must say however, that God completely overwhelms and surprises me with the simplest of things. Today my grandma went out and bought my family a fake Christmas tree, and she bought presents for all of us too. I was so stunned and amazed when I found out. I didn't expect anything of the sort. It seems like such a simple thing, but it means so much to me. I feel like it is really Christmas now. Christmas may never hold the same memories it once did, but I always have reason to celebrate. God is so good. He gave us such a wonderful gift, and He continues to show us His love in so many ways.

It has been so good to be home. I love the Bay Area. It is truly home for me. I even love the traffic and the noisiness, well maybe not love, but they are a part of home. And it has been cool to drive through Concord and to see the new things that have been built or changed since I was last home. There is always something different! The weirdest thing though is the constant flooding of memories that I have had recently. Usually I am not so recollective of my past. But it is so nice to know that I remember. Earlier this month I was growing afraid that I was forgetting things, especially about my Dad. I don't ever want to forget him. So it is nice to know that I still have all of those memories. Being in the place where they happened, definitely helps to bring them back to mind. It's been a happy time of remembering, not a sad one, for which I am extremely grateful. I think I am finally at a place where thinking of my Dad no longer makes me very sad. It has taken five years, but I think I am finally there. So praise God for that one!

I hope you are doing quite well my dear friends! I love you all so very much!

blogging, learning, people, love, etc.

2005-12-20T23:16:00.000-08:00

I have been blogging a lot lately. I love it. I find that I blog the most when God is doing the most in my life. Blogging is sort of my way to share with all of you the things I have been learning, experiencing, etc. It is my hope that by reading something I have written you will be encouraged. Maybe there is something that you can relate to, a nugget of wisdom God has given me that you need to hear, an experience that resonates with yours, something that sheds new light on a subject, or merely just something that helps you to know me better and I hope ultimately God.

Writing is definitely one of my absolute favorite things, besides anything to do with people. There is just such a beauty that comes with words written on a page (or computer screen I suppose). Some people think out loud, I think on paper. So for me, writing is one of my ultimate forms of expression. It allows me to express how I really feel. In my opinion I am a much better writer than a speaker. So, if you truly wanna know me, read what I write.

On to more exciting things! Today I got to go to Chuck E. Cheese's, eat pizza, play arcade games, hang out with cool first and second graders, talk to my co-workers and boss about life, and receive lots of love. There is nothing like going to work and having a bunch of kids swarm me because they are so excited that I am there. God constantly uses the kids in my life to show me His love and it is amazing!

I've realized a lot of things lately, especially about myself. I love just sitting with people. We don't have to talk, it is quite alright if no words pass between our lips. I just want to sitwit h you. I think this comes partly from the fact that I don't think I'm a very good conversationalist and mostly from the fact that I just love being around people. Often, last year, I would just go stand at my friend's door, we didn't really ever say much, but it was nice to just be. I look back on those times with fondness, for I allowed him to be him and he allowed me to be me. Words weren't necessary. I got to observe a little bit of his life. I love observing people! One of the things that most intrigues me is how people live out their normal everyday lives. I like to see people in what I call their natural habitats. I learn something from observing people, in the end I think it helps me to better understand myself, which then leads to a better understanding of God. If I am ever around you and I am not saying much, don't feel like you need to fill the silence.

Another thing I have come to realize about myself is that I generally don't have very strong opinions about things. There are some things of course that I believe without a doubt, but there are many more things that I have opinions on which could easily change with persuasion. I tend to try to see both sides of the picture. And most often I like to try to reconcile different views. I am someone who values harmony, what can I say?

Now for the deep thinking!

I was reading a book today, yay for reading for fun!!! I was reading The Sacred Romance, by John Eldredge and another guy. In it they were talking about God's love. They said something to the effect that God chose to enter into a love story with us with Him as the pursuer, rather than exert His power and make us love Him. God could have made us to be robots who just simply loved Him. But He didn't. At any point in time He could have pulled the plug and decide that it wasn't worth it to pursue His creation any longer. But He didn't. He could wipe out all of humanity and start from scratch again. But He won't. Why? Because He loves us. He created us knowing full well that He would have to win our hearts and bring us back to Him again. He knew Satan would try to take power away from Him. He knew Israel would run after other gods. He knew He would have to sacrifice His Son. Yet, He still chose to create us. Why would He do that? It is hard to understand. It would be so much easier for Him if He hadn't created us. But God wanted people to love and to love Him back. He thinks that we are worth all the heartache. It is so hard to fathom that God would love us that much, but He does. His love is grand, magnificient, overwhelming, inspiring and much more than could ever be described with words. I still don't entirely get it, but I believe it.

I'm sure I could probably say more. Already this blog has turned out to be written differently than I planned. It is time for bed though, since I have to go to work at 7 in the morning! :) Oh, and usually I reread my blogs and look for errors, but I decided to not indulge the perfectionist in me.